Friday, 3 July 2009

If this is the Korean wave , I hope it's waving goodbye.

Until you have heard the sonic ear rape that is Korean pop music , you truly have not looked into the cold eyes of the devil . Korean pop music is not written with notes , but rather with the sonic equivalent of razor blades . It's as if interdimensionally there is a worm hole from Korean pop singers throats to satan's bowels .

Perhaps you think I'm employing a bit of hyperbole in my explanation . I would also be suspicious of such a strong statement , and indeed Korean pop music was like some horrible thing you are able to ignore most of the time herpes ....but that all changed when the song "Tell me" came out by "The Wondergirls".

I don't know what dark ,sick and depraved agenda the writer of this song was pursuing when they released it upon the masses , but I pray for the redemption of their soul . Anyway don't take my word for your own judge .

I apologise for inflicting that upon you ....but now that you have watched it , I'm tempted to say "Nuff said" . But the truth is you could never say enough about the sh!tness of this song . If the melodic geneocide is not enough I'm sure you noticed the dance moves . Since the inception of this veritable fart of a song you have not been able to flip through Korean Television chanells without coming across some creative genius doing some imitation of this dance . If this is the Korean wave , then I hope it's a goodbye wave .

The wondergirls themselves are a cute bunch of girls but that is not enough for them to escape blame entirely . I'm generally in opposition to the death penalty but in this case I kind of see the light . It's simply unreasonable for society to allow people to sing this song and the same time make it illegal to kill them . The two position can't reasonably be expect to exist at the same time .

The other quirky thing about Korean pop music is the random littering of English thrown in for good measure . This is probably borrowed (like most of Korea's culture )from the Japanese . I think the best illustration of this can be shown by my favorite tv show Southpark....

I would like to say something about Korean hip hop , but words fail me . We need to come up with new super adjectives for any explanation to be effective . Maybe something like "hypercrap" or "uberlame" . Anyway ...that's a topic for another day .

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Soju : Or how I learnt to stop fearing the bomb

What Biltong is to a South African , or sheep shagging and being ignorant is to an Australian , Soju is to a Korean .

That is to say an intricate part of their culture .

Soju .

If I had a font that could write the word Soju in blood and vomit I would . That still wouldn't tell half the story .

Soju is the korean national drink . Any korean restuarant , hoff (pub) or random venue were people come in close proximity of each other will be dosed with the stuff . Koreans simply love it .

Soju can be described as the mixture of two things : alcohol and evil . Whilst relatively light in alcohol (about 22%) it's liberally laced with evil . I'm not sure how soju is made but I'm susicious that it might involve somehow fermeting the sweat from satan's ball sack .

The very fact that people drink soju in Korea and still manage to live past the age of 22 is amazing to me . Certainly never one to shy from a drink I've tried to drink Soju with Koreans but failed to retain any semblance of dignity . The hangovers last days and involve your nervous system being fried ,head pounding headaches and advanced insight and familiarity with the bowl of the toilet .

The actual act of drinking soju in itself is quite culturally interesting however . One never pours his own glass and this should be done by your drinking partner . This of course makes total practical sense , as who could or would pour themselves a glass of soju ? You hold the soju glass (which is the size of a double shot glass) in two hands and it is poured and then reciprocate . I'm not sure why it's two hands but I imagine sacrifice is implied .

Before you drink the soju , glasses are "clanked" and a "loud battle" cry of "kumbay !" is roared by all involved . I'm not sure what "Kumbay" translates to , but doubtless it's along the lines of "God help us!". It's slurped down in one swig and often swiftly the glass is loaded again . This practice I'm sure is designed to test the extent of friendship as you have to have a deep seated enjoyment or obligation to a person to want to tolerate the ritual of soju drinking with them .

There are various other quirky rituals involving soju drinking . Younger girls will turn away from you to drink their soju as a sign of respect . Although this is fairly ironic as anyone under the spell/influence of soju is not a being worthy of respect .

Kimchi : Or "The case for Cannabalism"

What is this Kimchi you say ?

Well imagine you took cabbage , toxic waste , added radiation and seasoned with red pepper paste . You'd have something akin to Kimchi( but probably healthier ).

Kimchi is eaten with just about every meal in Korea . But its cultural impact extends far beyond its culinary "prowess" . It's also considered to have all sorts of magical properties from increasing sexual health to preventing cancer (although in fairness I can see eating the stuff as a form of chemo therapy).

If you eat kimchi enough , which you will discover as a waygukin (foreigner) in Korea is unavoidable due to Koreans constant insistence, you will find it's highly addictive . In fact so addictive is Kimchi that the first Korean astronaut will head into space in a few weeks with bags of the stuff .

Now some people might feel that's a bit silly for an astronaut to need to take kimchi into space , but I say if you are going to blast something at high speeds far away from the planet , it might as well be Kimchi .

The further the better in fact .